Oh, what I wouldn’t give for an unending supply of mind-bullets…
Today has not been a good day. My feet are wet because the sole of the right boot of my three-month-old 57€ boots has cracked. A man who smelt like Airfix glue sat next to me on the train and squashed me against the chassis of the carriage. When he finally got up and left the quiet coach, a dregs-of-the-bottom-of-the-pond pregnant got on with her spawn and her mother, who promptly sat down beside me and, after whacking me in the face with her elbow without apology, continued to encourage the little brat that had sat on her lap to bang his head against the seat in front.
The little brat in question kept asking the clueless matriarch what Santa was going to get him for Commercialmas, and I was so close to leaning in his face and yelling “SANTA’S DEAD YOU LITTLE INGRATE, NOW SHUT UP!!” it’s not even funny. As it was, coughing and tapping the Quiet Carriage sign stuck to the window offended my sensibilities enough without daring to speak to one of the Great Unwashed on one of our overheated Great British trains.
So, you can imagine my inexorable joy when, after fighting my way through the crowd of drones incapable of working out that they’d all get through just that bit faster if they got their tickets ready in advance, I arrived at my car to find a Penalty Charge Notice stuck to the ice on my window. The notice cites:
Contravention: Vehicle registration L34KYPU parked in a car park without clearly displaying a valid pay & display ticket or voucher or parking clock.
Cue funny looks from the aforementioned drones as they pass me swearing loudly at Cretinus Antisententia, the Invisible Flying Moron Traffic Warden Moron.
So, I’ve just fired off the following e-mail to them:
Hello,
I hope this finds you warm, as I’m currently freezing in my ice-covered car in the car park on Road Street in Villagetown, Surrey. Attached is a photo of my ice-covered car, to the ice-covered windscreen of which your traffic warden has stuck a now ice-covered Penalty Charge Notice. Also attached is a photo of my thin, ice-covered paper ticket for parking in the aforementioned car park, which cost no less than Five Whole Great British Pounds Sterling and was stuck to the inside of the ice-covered window… I’m sensing a theme, here.
If you check your CCTV cameras - you do have, CCTV cameras, don’t you? Because otherwise one wonders why the parking is £5 - you will quite clearly see me purchasing a ticket at 07.15 GMT this morning from the machine next to my car and putting it inside my car before slipping on the ice whilst trying to run for my train - which I missed - and landing squarely on my coxxyx. It hurt. Just so that it’s clearer for whom you are looking, I’m short, fat, have dark blonde hair, am wearing a suit, and was carrying a laptop bag. That ended up on my face. That hurt too.
So, I suggest that you implement a payment-by-phone option in this car park, as this will negate this sort of problem in the future. This way, your Wardens would be able to check in real time which vehicles were actually parked and paid-for and which ones are being driven by the inbred scum-of-the-Earth that cause your Wardens to physically exist. In fact, my company could even implement one for you! The business e-mail is info@company.com, and we’ll supply you with a quote for development and implementation upon receipt of a brief detailing your specific requirements.
Oh, and please cancel the ticket. Its reference number is KILL4LLPUPP13S. My address is 1 My Street, My Town, Surrey, BA5T 4RD, England, United Kingdom, Europe, Earth. I have been driving the leaky bucket of rust that is L34KYPU since 2007, when its plague-ridden existence came to my much-maligned life.
Oh, and lastly, I’ve attached a third photo of my car next to the ticket machine under the lamppost by the tree on the pavement of Road Street in Villagetown, Surrey, just in case it’s unclear which CCTV camera you need to check.
Finally, I wish you season’s greetings, because the Politically Correctists say that wishing people a merry Christmas is forcing your religion on somebody and thus a prosecutable criminal offence.
Regards,
Grump.
Does my willing for all Traffic Wardens, Parking Attendants, and Civil Enforcement Officers to spontaneously exploded into sheets of flame and drive away the cold weather with their carbonised exteriors show through?
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